Margot Robbie is in talks to star in Tim Burton’s Attack of the 50-Foot Woman, which means she’s waiting for truckloads of cash to pull up to her driveway. The film is a remake of the 1958 cult classic starring hot chick of yore Allison Hayes as a scorned woman-turned-giant.

Plot details for Burton’s take on the original remain hush, but we can safely assume it revolves around millions of men from around the world desperately trying to walk, run, and jump into Robbie’s big, giant pussy. What else would it be about? If you saw a giant Margot Robbie, you’d want to get all up in that bitch, right?

Robbie broke into Hollywood the old-fashioned way: naked, in The Wolf of Wall Street. Roles as Harley Quinn and Barbie have shot her to super stardom—but you and your penis knew that already; I just prefer to have three paragraphs per post.

Alison Brie goes nude in Neon’s recently released body-horror thriller Together. The “Community” and “Mad Men” alumna plays a hot teacher who moves to the countryside with her “boy-partner” Dave Franco, a struggling thirty-something musician, inexplicably pushing rope in the bedroom with Brie.

The couple is at a crossroads in their lengthy relationship, unsure if they truly still love one another or have become complacent. Accidental exposure to a supernatural force out in the woods soon threatens to fuse their bodies, leading to Brie’s glorious nude boobs and behind.

Together marks Brie’s return to horror following 2020’s Airbnb slasher The Rental, directed by Franco, and the feminist rape/revenge thriller Promising Young Woman. Additional fright creds include Parasomnia and Scream 4.

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You have a core group of eight characters in Jurassic World: Rebirth, and the only one who dies is the Big Pharma guy who arranged the mission? Don’t we like Big Pharma post-COVID-19? There needs to be a higher body count in these Jurassic movies, especially when the majority of the characters are so unlikable. Scarlett Johansson, Mahershala Ali, and Scarlett Johansson’s boobs were the only ones Clatto cared about.

Big Pharma guy is pretty honest about the objective: obtain DNA samples from three colossal dinosaurs found on land, air, and sea in exchange for obscene amounts of money. He offers the deal to a bunch of scumbag mercenaries, led by The Merc with the Boobs (she ain’t no Private Jenette Vasquez though!).

After conning Big Pharma guy out of more money to proceed with the mission (just tape a “Kick Me” sign on the dude’s back already), they jump on board a military sea craft to carry out the expedition. Johansson wears a fitted white tank top.

Along the way, they rescue Not Pedro Pascal and his two daughters, a young one who resembles Dora the Explorer, and an older one who is kinda hot until she opens her entitled mouth. She’s brought along her boyfriend, who is a lazy, disrespectful twat. Of course, Not Pedro Pascal will grow to love him like a son because that’s what the Real Pedro Pascal would do.

Spinosauruses attack the boat, killing the Big Gun dude, who was Big Pharma guy’s only ally. The Kinda Hot Chick attempts to call for help, despite Big Pharma guy explaining the covert part of the covert mission they’re currently on. She puts up a fight and gets all pissed because Big Pharma guy lets her ungrateful ass fall in the water.

During the chaos, Johansson is wearing a fitted, green top. They crash on the shore of Île Saint-Hubert, lose another character actor, and begin their search for Dino DNA, while hoping Not Pedro Pascal and his family are okay, and sadly, they are. And continue to be. Over and over again.

Raptors, the scene stealers of the franchise, pull their “clever girl” hunting move on the obnoxious boyfriend while he takes a piss, but are thwarted by a mutated dinosaur that is a mix of Raptor and Pteranodon DNA, one of the many hybrids left abandoned on the island. The opportunity to wipe this ass-hat out was still possible if only Dilophosaurus had popped out of the trees and chomped his frank and beans off…or spat on him.

The best scene in the movie belongs to the T-Rex, who is regrettably taking a backseat to the retarded-looking D-Rex, a hybrid of the T-Rex, Xenomorph, Bella Ramsey, Eric Stoltz in Mask, and Corky from “Life Goes On.”

The mighty T-Rex chases the family down a river while they attempt to escape its jaws on a life raft. It’s thrilling, white-knuckle action that puts a big, stupid smile on our face. We only wish Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) were seated on the back of the raft, rambling on about human folly.

Meanwhile, Johansson has changed into a clingy, dark brown tank top. She and her crew collect samples from a Brontosaurus (or whatever the kids are calling them these days) as it canoodles with its mate, just about forming a heart with their long necks…WTF? You’re trying too hard, Gareth!

Later, Johansson and her team also extract DNA from an egg belonging to the colossal avian dinosaur Quetzalcoatlus, which eats a character we don’t care about despite Mahershala Ali’s sad face. They reunite with the family, who are now dragging along a cute, tiny dinosaur that resembles Cera the Triceratops from The Land Before Time. We kept hoping its mother would show up and gorge everyone in their butt-holes, but nope.

The Kinda Hot Chick still has a fossil to pick with Big Pharma guy, unaware that he’s been doomed to die a terrible death since the writers started working on their drafts at Starbucks. After Big Pharma guy meets his inevitable end, a sad and heroic death occurs, and psych! Every one of these terrible bastards is okay…and the genetic data will be made free to the global community!

We were optimistic about getting brand-new characters in Jurassic World: Rebirth. Johansson and Ali fit nicely, like tank tops on Johansson’s glistening chest. The rest would have made terrific dino dooty. In summary, Johansson’s boobs steal the show, body count is too low, but the dinosaurs rule…minus the Bella Ramsey Rex.

If you caught James Gunn’s new Superman movie, you most likely popped a boner faster than a speeding bullet when you saw the big boobed Daily Planet reporter in the background. She doesn’t do much in the film, but she steals every scene she’s in with those super puppies. So, who is she? She’s Mikaela Hoover, and her character is gossip columnist Cat Grant.

Hoover’s career is heavily sprinkled with appearances in Gunn’s projects, leading to rumors that she’s been banging the beloved Hollywood degenerate for many years…okay, we made that up just five minutes ago while scrolling her IMDB, which lists Super, The Belko Experiment, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Suicide Squad, and more Gunn titles in her creds!

Regardless, Hoover is awesome, and Cat Grant should definitely be added to Superman’s secret harem or be his new love interest once he realizes what an unbearable shrew Lois Lane is in this new adaptation. That said, Rachel Brosnahan, who plays Lane, is hiding some monumental globes under her horrible wardrobe.

A trailer has gone online for Red Sonja, a new big-screen adaptation of Dynamite Entertainment’s comic book series about a hot, redheaded warrior queen with big, beautiful breasts who battles enemies while sporting a skimpy chainmail bikini.

Italian stunner Matilda Lutz picks up the bikini from Brigitte Nielsen, who originated the role onscreen in 1985. Lutz broke into American horror in 2017 with leading roles in Revenge, where she avenges her vagina after it’s broken into by horny, homicidal creeps, and Rings, a second sequel to Gore Verbinski’s 2002 masterpiece, The Ring.

M.J. Basset (Soloman Kane) directs from a script by Tasha Huo (Tomb Raider: The Legend of Lara Croft). Samuel Goldwyn Films will release the film in theaters on Aug. 15 and digitally on Aug. 29.

P.S. The new bikini sucks.

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Paramount Pictures has released a trailer for The Running Man, a reimagining of the 1987 sci-fi actioner starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a framed convict fighting for his life on a state-run game show pitting him against a barrage of colorful hunters.

Based on a Stephen King novel, the thriller is directed by Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead) and stars Glen Powell (Twisters) in the Schwarzenegger role and Emilia Jones (“Locke & Key”) as a hot civilian chick taken hostage by Powell’s character.

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A new remake of the 1984 holiday slasher Silent Night, Deadly Night arrives in theaters on December 12 for an unrated wide release. Written and directed by Mike P. Nelson (Wrong Turn), the film stars Rohan Campbell (The Monkey) as its murderous Santa and Ruby Modine (Happy Death Day) as the object of his desire.

Modine, daughter of Matthew Modine, is best known for her role as single mother and waitress Sierra Morton on “Shameless,” but fright fans will recognize her from the horror comedy Happy Death Day and its sequel Happy Death Day 2U.

The original Silent Night, Deadly Night follows a murderous Santa out to slaughter all who have been bad—in particular nude young women and the men who screw them.

Republic Pictures has set an Aug. 22 release date for Trust, a cat-and-mouse thriller starring “Game of Thrones” stunner Sophie Turner as a hot actress seeking refuge from Hollywood in a remote cabin after a major scandal breaks out, only to be hunted down by someone she trusted.

Turner made her acting debut at 15 as Sansa Stark on HBO’s “Game of Thrones” and had her big screen breakthrough two years later in the mystery thriller Another Me. She then scored the role of the hot mutant Phoenix in 2016’s X-Men: Apocalypse and 2019’s X-Men: Dark Phoenix.

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Michelle Randolph, the hot actress who plays Billy Bob Thorton’s semi-nude daughter on Taylor Sheridan’s hit Paramount+ series “Landman,” is starring in Malibu, a subterranean horror film from director Tod Williams (Paranormal Activity 2) for Screen Gems.

Randolph, who broke with roles on Sheridan’s “Landman” and “Yellowstone” spinoff “1923,” scored her first acting role in the 2017 tween television frightener House of the Witch and soon after made her horror film debut on the big screen in the island thriller Resort. Next year, she’ll star in Scream 7.

A full-length trailer for “Alien: Earth” has burst out of FX|Hulu, teasing the Alien prequel series from creator Noah Hawley (“Fargo”) and Ridley Scott production house Scott Free, premiering August 12.

Sydney Chandler fronts the eight-episode debut season as a hot chick who is tagging along with a group of tactical soldiers onboard a mysterious spacecraft when it crash-lands on Earth, where they encounter the deadly Xenomorphs.

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