Oscar-winning actor Javier Bardem (No Country For Old Men) is officially set to star as gunslinger Roland Deschain in producer/director Ron Howard’s big and small screen adaptations of Stephen King’s beloved “Dark Tower” book series.

As Deschain, Bardem will face off against a rabid dog while trapped in a car. No, wait. He will submit to cabin fever while manning a deserted hotel in Maine. No? OK … he plays a fat man cursed by the gypsy whose daughter he killed with his car while getting a blown by his wife.

All right, ya got me. I haven’t read the “Dark Tower” novels. But, from what Amazon tells me, the seven-book series is a sci-fi/western that follows Deschain, the last member of a knightly order of gunfighters, on a mission to save civilization.

The Dark Tower story will be told over the course of three theatrically released films and two limited-run TV series, slated to air in between movies. Universal Pictures will back the film trilogy, while NBC/Universal Television Entertainment handles the TV show.