Prepare to peep Piper’s pair-a-boobs… OK, that was awful. I now know what’s it like to write like Mr. Skin. But, what’s important here is the news coming out of the Toronto International Film Festival: Piper Perabo (“Covert Affairs,” Coyote Ugly) goes topless in director Rian Johnson’s third feature film Looper.

Looper takes place in a future where time travel can be purchased on the black market. and usually is by mobsters who send their marks 30-years into the past to be rubbed out by well-paid assassins known as Loopers.

Unfortunately, when the mob decides to “close the loop,” the Looper’s future persona is sent back in time to be killed by the Loop himself. Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Dark Knight Rises) plays Looper Joe in the film. Bruce Willis (Expendables 2) is Joe Sr.

But, really, the film is about Perabo’s showgirl character, who must race against time to get topless. It hits theaters on Sept. 28.

A trailer for director Robert Cuffley’s new thriller Ferocious has gone online. The film stars Amanda Crew as Leigh, a popular American actress out to retrieve the humiliating sex tape that she shot during her days as a stripper in a seedy nightclub run by a scumbag named Maurice, played by “Sons of Anarchy’s” Kim Coates.

Crew made her feature film debut in the 2006 frightener Final Destination 3. She has since gone on to star in Rampart Films’ upcoming sci-fi drama The Repeaters, the 2008 Lionsgate sleeper A Haunting in Connecticut and Summit’s criminally underrated—but hilarious—Sex Drive.

Ferocious was shot in Saskatoon, Canada. Costars include Stephen Huszar (30 Days of Night: Dark Days), Michael Eklund (The Divide) and Amy Matysio (Rabbit).

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Hall Pass stunners Nicky Whelan and Carly Craig star alongside TV personality Maria Menounos and The Human Centipede’s Ashley C. Williams in Paranormal Movie, an upcoming spoof of the Paranormal Activity franchise from actor-turned-director Kevin Farley and Cinema Management Group.

Paranormal Movie follows Larry (Farley), a man-child obsessed with videotaping every aspect of his life, as he attempts to document and fight the supernatural activity occurring in the new home he’s purchased with his girlfriend.

Carly Craig

The film, which has yet to lock down distribution, is slated for release next year and  costars Tom Sizemore (Black Hawk Down), William Katt (Mirrors 2), Eric Roberts (The Expendables) and Quinton Aaron (The Blind Side).

Whelan has appeared in Rob Zombie’s Halloween II, starred in the ninth and final season of “Scrubs,” and played Jason Sudeikis’ topless fuck-fantasy in the Farrelly Brothers’ Hall Pass. She’ll next be seen in Takashi Shimizu’s (The Grudge) in-flight frightener 7500.

Heavy metal outfit Nekrogoblikon has released a music video for “No One Survives,” a track from their 2011 independently produced disc “Stench.” Based out of Santa Barbara, California, the group revels in all things dark and goblin.

“No One Survives”is directed by Brandon Dermer and follows an office-transplanted goblin as it attempts to make a career in the corporate world while being undermined by a cutthroat coworker, who also happens to have dibs on his gorgeous blonde inamorata.

The video stars “The League’s” Jon Lajoie (Taco) as the goblin’s nemesis and Kayden Kross, arguably the most attractive porn star of our time, as its soon-to-be horrified love interest.

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Underworld star Sophia Myles is set to join Spanish stunner Nathalia Ramos and Colombian model-turned-actress Carolina Guerra in director Victor Garcia’s new supernatural thriller Gallows Hill. The film also stars Peter Facinelli (Twilight Saga) and Diego Cadavid (Blind Alley).

Gallows Hill tells the story of an American widower (Facinelli) who heads to Bogota with his new fiancée (Myles) to bring home his daughter (Ramos). A car accident leaves them stranded at an old inn, where they soon discover that the old innkeeper is holding a girl prisoner in his basement.

Being Americans, they decide to stick their noses where they don’t belong and get into a whole lotta trouble really fast. The movie is penned by David D’Ovidio (Thir13een Ghosts) and marks Garcia’s first original project (he’s directed the sequels Mirrors 2, Hellraiser: Revelations and Return to House on Haunted Hill).

Gallows Hill will shoot in Bogota later this month.

“Mad Men” star Christina Hendricks sure knows how to whip up interest for actor Ryan Gosling’s directorial debut How to Catch a Monster, a sci-fi thriller written by Gosling and co-produce through his Phantasma Films with Marc Platt Productions.

The busty redhead has revealed that her character in the film—a single mother of two who follows her teen son to a secret under water city—works in fetish club to make ends meet for her family.

Hendricks tells Vulture:

[My character] is supporting two children and trying to provide a home for them and a place of comfort in a continuously harder place to be, and I find myself working in this very surreal club that gets me into a sort of predicament… a fetish club.

How to Catch a Monster is described as a modern day fairy tale with elements of “fantasy noir and suspense.” But, really, all that needs to be said is: Hey, we got Hendricks in leather corsets , vinyl dresses, fishnets and/or rubber.

Hendricks and Gosling last worked together on director Nicolas Winding Refn’s stylish 2011 actioner Drive, about a getaway driver-for-hire who gets into trouble when he decides to take a risky job to help a mother and her young son. Hendricks played a double-crossing hussy with massive boobs.

How to Catch a Monster goes into production in Spring 2013.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Academy Award-winning director Barry Levinson and newbie writer Michael Wallach give us The Bay, a found-footage frightener about water-bred parasitic invaders that consume human inside out.

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The film’s synopsis reads:

The quaint seaside town of Chesapeake Bay thrives on water; it is the lifeblood of the community. When two biological researchers from France find a staggering level of toxicity in the water, they attempt to alert the mayor, but he refuses to create a panic in the docile town.

As a result, a deadly plague is unleashed, turning the people of Chesapeake Bay into hosts for a mutant breed of parasites that take control of their minds, and eventually their bodies.

A cross between Jaws and Animal Planet’s “Monsters Inside Me,” the film stars Kristen Connolly (Cabin in the Woods), Kether Donohue (Pitch Perfect), Lauren Cohn (The Hitcher), Will Rogers (Nancy, Please), Stephen Kunken (Wolf of Wall Street), Frank Deal (Bourne Legacy) and Jane McNeill (“The Walking Dead”).

Roadside Attractions will release The Bay in theaters and VOD on Nov. 2

London’s Film4 Frightfest stirred up some controversy this year when it ran an anti-theater texting PSA in which a movie patron stabs a woman in the back of the head and then proceeds to rape the gaping wound after she rudely refuses to shut off her phone.

Now, I’m as much a fan of sexualized violence as the next degenerate, but this PSA—shown during a screening of Maniac—does seem a little over the top in its misogyny… then again, people that text and fiddle with their smartphones during movies do deserve a dick in the head, a big black dick.

For that reason (and the cum in the mouth is kinda hot)… I’ll allow it.

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Gemma Arterton (Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters) and Saoirse Ronan (Hanna) star in Oscar winning director Neil Jordan’s (Interview with the Vampire) new vampire frightener Byzantium. Written by Jane Eyre scribe Moira Buffini, the film details the lives of a mother/daughter bloodsucking team.

The film’s synopsis reads:

Two mysterious women seek refuge in a run-down coastal resort. Clara (Arterton) meets lonely Noel, who provides shelter in his deserted guesthouse, Byzantium.

Schoolgirl Eleanor (Ronan) befriends Frank and tells him their lethal secret. They were born 200 years ago and survive on human blood. As knowledge of their secret spreads, their past catches up on them with deathly consequence.

The lads at Empire scored the first clip.

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Heather Locklear has joined the cast of Dimension Films’ Scary Movie 5. If you’re too young to know who that is, ask your dad’s penis. It will regale you with stories of short, breath-taking Amanda Woodward power skirts, tight Caitlin Moore pencil skirts, clingy Sammy Jo gowns and skintight Stacy Sheridan uniforms.

Directed by Malcolm Lee (Undercover Brother) and co-written by Zucker, the horror-comedy spoofs Darren Aronofsky’s 2010 Oscar-nominated film Black Swan. Locklear will step into the looney mom role played by Barbara Hershey in Aronofsky’s film.

Locklear’s costars include Lindsay Lohan (Machete), Charlie Sheen (Machete Kills), Terry Crews (The Expendables), Marisa Saks (“Entourage”), Erica Ash (“MADTV”), Simon Rex (Scary Movie 4), Molly Shannon (“Saturday Night Live”) and Ashley Tisdale (High School Musical) in the Natalie Portman role.

Scary Movie 5 arrives in theaters on April 19, 2013.