If your tween daughters and gay sons have been holed up in their rooms lately, it could be that they’re busy diddling their young blossoming bodies to the new sexed-up “Vampire Diaries” promo posters released by the CW this week.

Oh sure, you’d like to think that your kids are just upstairs listening to Morrisey and cutting themselves like you did when you were their age, but the times—and TV—have changed. Don’t believe me? Take a look at what passes for vampire drama these days:

Not exactly “Dark Shadows” is it?

“The Vampire Diaries” is writer-producer Kevin Williamson’s (Scream, “Dawson’s Creek”) adaptation of L.J. Smith’s popular novel series of the same name for the CW television network. The show follows high-schooler Elena Gilbert (Nina Dobrev) as she’s courted by two vampire brothers (Ian Somerhalder, some other guy).

The show won a People’s Choice award for Favorite New TV Drama in January and recently won big at the Teen Choice Awards.

“The Vampire Diaries” returns to the CW for its second season on Sept. 9.

Director Srdjan Spasojevic’s porn-snuff frightener A Serbian Film has been pulled from U.K.’s 11th annual Film4 Frightfest due to its graphic and disturbing scenes of torture and newborn baby rape.

The decision was made by the film festival’s co-director Ian Jones after the British Board of Film Classification ruled that 49 individual cuts—adding up to four minutes of screen time—be made to the film to keep it within BBFC guidelines.

Said the BBFC:

The film-makers have stated that A Serbian Film is intended as an allegory about Serbia itself. The board recognises that the images are intended to shock, but the sexual and sexualised violence goes beyond what is acceptable under current BBFC guidelines [for an 18-certificate].

A Serbian Film follows a downtrodden ex-porn star trying to make ends meet for his family by taking on a role in a privately funded fetish video that involves acts both immoral and illegal. The film’s most controversial scenes include machete sex, eye-socket rape, torture, and the aforementioned newborn rape.

Film4 Frightfest was set to screen the film, but opted not to after the BBFC decision.

Said Jones:

FrightFest has decided not to show A Serbian Film in a heavily cut version because, as a festival with a global integrity, we think a film of this nature should be shown in its entirety as per the director’s intention.

Take a look at all the integrity (courtesy of Beyond Hollywood):

Director Neil Marshall is descending once again into the Underground. The man behind 2005’s girls-vs.-man-eating-cave-dwellers frightener The Descent is bringing to light the unfathomable horrors of … underground gourmet supper clubs.

Details are scarce, but producers say:

The protagonist is an ambitious young chef who ventures into the terrifying underbelly of extreme cuisine.

I smell cannibalism!

Underground is written by David Cohen and produced by Taka Ichise (The Grudge) and Erin Eggers (The Hoax).

BTW, the above photo is from Muki’s Kitchen. To see more photos and read Clatto’s exclusive interview with the site’s founders, go here.

Twentieth Century Fox held the world premiere for director Robert Rodriguez’s revenge thriller Machete yesterday at the legendary Orpheum Theater in downtown Los Angeles. Hundreds of vatos and ruccas gathered in the streets to watch as the film’s stars arrived in colorful, tricked-out Lowriders.

Unfortunately, I mistook a large gathering of Mexican day laborers at the Home Depot for the event and missed out on all the festivities. I did, however, make 20 bucks cash for helping a gringo move a fridge into his third-story apartment.

Jessica Alba & Michelle Rodriguez Cozy Up with the Wrong Mexican

Machete headliner Danny Trejo led the caravan riding on an orange-flamed custom-built motorcycle. Joining the veteran action star at the event were director Rodriguez and costars Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, and Electra Avellan (in a very short pink number).

Also spotted: Oscar-winning director Quentin Tarantino, painfully overrated comedian Sarah Silverman, “True Blood” newbie Natasha Alam, busty entertainment reporter Lauren Sanchez, Dana Rosendorff, Clifton Collins Jr., and Jacob Vargas.

Troublemakers: Robert Rodriguez & Electra Avellan

Machete stars Trejo as a double-crossed assassin out to kill the honkies that set him up and left him for dead. The film is based on the faux-trailer featured in the 2007 Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino collaboration Grindhouse.

The all-star cast also includes Robert De Niro, Steven Seagal, Rose McGowen, Jeff Fahey, Elise Avellan, and a reportedly topless Lindsay Lohan.

Machete swings into theaters on Sept. 3.

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Former “Heroes” player Kristen Bell and “True Blood” lead Anna Paquin are set to star in director Wes Craven’s upcoming reboot Scream 4. The actresses’ roles are rumored to be cameos in death scenes reminiscent of Drew Barrymore’s part in Craven’s original 1996 frightener.

Written by franchise creator Kevin Williamson, Scream 4 is the start of a new trilogy that aims to frighten audiences while poking fun at modern day horror cliches. Old-schoolers Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, and David Araquette return to the mix to reprise their respective roles as Sidney Prescott, Gale Weathers-Riley, and Sheriff Dewey Riley.

Anna Paquin

New blood includes up-and-comer Emma Roberts, Hayden Panettiere (“Heroes”), Alison Brie (“Mad Men”), Rory Culkin (Signs), Marley Shelton (Grindhouse), Marielle Jaffe (Percy Jackson and the Olympians), Adam Brody (Jennifer’s Body), Erik Knudsen (Beastly), Nico Tortorella, and Anthony Anderson (Transformers).

Scream 4 is currently shooting in Ann Arbor, Michigan. The film is slated for release on April 15, 2011.

Diora Baird and her magnificent 32-DD breasts have been cast in After Dark Films upcoming bank robbery thriller Transit. Costars include Harold Perrineau (“LOST’), Elisabeth Rohm (“Heroes”), James Frain (“True Blood”), and former onscreen messiah Jim Caviezel (Passion of the Christ).

Directed by Antonio Negret (Towards Darkness), Transit follows a group of outlaws as they chase down a road tripping family whose vehicle they used to hide their bank score. Baird’s breasts and Perrineau play bank robbers, while Rohm and Caviezel portray the vacationing family’s heads.

No word on Frain’s character, but chances are he’s a bad guy (you don’t score many good guy roles with a face like that).

Baird’s breasts can next be seen in Ghost House Pictures’ 30 Days of Night: Dark Days and Adam Gierasch’s Night of the Demons, available on DVD and Blu-ray disc on Oct. 5 and Oct. 19, respectively.

Former “La Femme Nikita” starlet Peta Wilson has been cast in Dimension Films’ Hellraiser: Revelations, the ninth entry in the studio’s popular straight-to-DVD franchise. The 39-year-old stunner will play the mother of a boy who conjures up Pinhead and his Cenobites with the help from an untrustworthy friend.

Hellraiser: Revelations is set to shoot in Los Angeles in September. Wilson, who last starred in Syfy’s creature-feature Malibu Shark Attack, is the first actor attached to the project, but a casting call for the following roles is in play:

PSEUDO-PIN HEAD Tall and very thin, deathly pale, in his early 20s. Should be comfortable in full body makeup (head covering, etc.), and tight fitted black leather clothing. This pseudo pinhead is such a devoted servant of Pinhead, he mimics his appearance as closely as possible, and revels in the pain that leads to his pleasure. Stunt background / experience a plus.

FEMALE CENOBITE Tall and thin, this actor should have training in contemporary dance / ballet / mime / as well as be able to work within an environment of sensory deprivation (vision will be impaired within this character’s mask). The actor cannot be claustrophobic in any way, as this character wears full body makeup, wears a mask that covers her entire head and face throughout the film. This character can only communicate though body language and movement. She is a haunting presence in the film and conveys all emotion through her body movement. This female cenobite is also a devoted slave to Pinhead.

MALE CENOBITE Male 20-30s, British accent, Caucasian, very pale, tall and thin, the actor should be comfortable in full body makeup along with special effects contact lenses, face and head special effect makeup. Stunt background / experience a plus.

STEVEN 20, son of Ross and Sarah. He is a seeker, a true misanthrope. After he graduated high school, he went on a backpacking trip with his friend Nico through Mexico, where he was presented with a choice to “experience a reality beyond current existence” and the puzzle box is presented and Pinhead becomes his master.

NICO 20, Steven’s best friend and travelling partner. Once Nico realizes that the commitment to Pinhead is FOREVER, he attempts a daring switch plan to release himself from the puzzlebox.

EMMA 18, daughter of Ross and Sarah. She is lovely and inquisitive and on the verge of her own womanhood.

DR. ROSS CRAVEN Early 40s, handsome, a family man. His son disappeared two years ago and it has been a hard road back to family stability. He is a good man that has fought hard to keep his family together.

ENGINEER Male with dark olive skin, cloudy eyes. He is creepy looking, a man that has lived on the streets for years. The Engineer is a man of mysterious origins, and it is this man that draws the curious souls into Pinhead’s reality.

Hellraiser: Revelations is directed by Victor Garcia from a script by special effects guru Gary J. Tunnicliffe. Garcia’s creds include the upcoming sequel to Alexandre Aja’s Mirrors and Return to House on Haunted Hill.

The original Hellraiser film is the only one in the franchise directed by creator Clive Barker (it was based on his novella “The Hellbound Heart”). The 57-year-old British author regrettably sold the rights to the Hellraiser universe before the first film hit theaters in 1987.

Director Christian Alvart’s long-delayed anti-adoption thriller Case 39 will finally open in theaters on Oct. 1. The film, which was shot in ’06, stars Oscar-winner Renee Zellweger, Twilight’s Jodelle Ferland, “Deadwood’s” Ian McShane, and Bradley Cooper long before he was considered A-Team material.

Take a look:

For those of you who can still muster a childlike sense of wonder over an orphan themed horror movie, the film’s synopsis reads:

In CASE 39, family services social worker Emily Jenkins (Zellweger) thinks she has seen it all… until she meets 10-year old Lilith Sullivan (Ferland) and the child’s cruel and dangerous parents. Her worst fears are confirmed when the parents try to harm Lily, their only daughter.

Frightened for her [Lily’s] life, Emily enlists the help of Detective Mike Barron (McShane) and takes Lily in while she continues the search for the perfect foster family.

Just as it seems as though Lily is on her way to a more loving home, under the guidance of Emily and psychiatrist (Cooper), dark forces surrounding this young girl come to light and, little do they know, their attempts to protect her will only bring on greater horror…

While the poorly written synopsis above is hard to get excited about, Alvart’s criminally overlooked sci-fi-actioner Pandorum—a   wickedly smart and intense film—has earned the director a vote of confidence from this moviegoer.

Case 39 marks Zellweger return to horror since costarring with Mathew McConaughey in 1994’s The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Cooper’s creds include 2008’s Clive Barker produced Midnight Meat Train and 2002’s reality-show inspired frightener My Little Eye. The Hangover star also did a six-episode stint on the Hughes Brothers’ 2004 crime series “Touching Evil.” He’ll next be seen opposite Robert De Niro and Abbie Cornish in Neil Burger’s upcoming sci-fi thriller The Dark Fields.

ABC Studios and auction house Profiles in History netted over $1.8 million at this weekend’s “Lost: The Official Show Auction and Exhibit,” held at the Barker Hanger in Santa Monica, CA. Fans of the Emmy-winning show bid on such iconic items as John Locke’s wheelchair ($3,250), Hurley’s Lotto Ticket ($5,500), Faraday’s Journal ($27,500), and a Dharma Initiative VW Van ($47,500).

Mrs. Muertos and I, along with our good friend Girard from Hills of Woodland, pooled our money together in the hopes of purchasing Jack’s beard, but were sadden to find it was one of the very few items not available for sale. But, hey, we probably wouldn’t have been able to afford it anyway. Despite the event’s “everyone can own a piece of the show” PR spin, the majority of props, costumes, and set pieces went for well over two grand.

Fortunately, there was still plenty to do for broke-ass “LOST” fans. The exhibit part of the event included displays of the items up for auction, screenings of BTS footage from the show’s upcoming DVD and Blu-ray release, and photo ops on “LOST” inspired sets built to resemble Oceanic Airlines, the Hatch, Mr. Cluck’s Chicken Shack, and the Temple.

Activities included a “LOST” costume contest—which drew three Kates, one La Fleur, a Dharma polar bear, a bikini-clad Other, and an overweight Russo—and a pre-auction raffle which gave away “LOST” season six DVDs and Blu-rays, T-shirts, bobble-heads, and advanced copies of DK’s “LOST” Encyclopedia (a must-have). Forty-two lucky attendees also won a chance to catch a preview of the 12-minute epilogue “New Man in Charge.”

Disappointingly, neither the show’s creators nor its cast attended the event. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. Daniel Roebuck (Dr. Leslie Artz) and Sterling Beaumon (Young Ben Linus) were on hand to sign autographs, but that’s not exactly Evangeline Lilly (Kate Austin) or Josh Holloway (James “Sawyer” Ford). Hell, it’s not even Vincent.

As for the rest of the auction, notable sales included Sawyer’s Letter to the Man Who Murdered His Parents ($6,500), Charlie’s Drive Shaft ring ($9,000), the Swan Station Hatch Door ($16,000), Hurley’s Camaro ($24,000), Walt’s Spanish Green Lantern Comic ($1,400), Locke’s Suicide Note to Jack ($9,000), Mr. Eko’s Staff ($8000), Sun’s Blue Bikini ($1,200), and the time-shifting Donkey Wheel ($22,500).

To see what everything else went for, check out the two-day list in PDF form here and here.

“LOST” is nominated this year for 12 Emmys, including nods for Outstanding Drama Series, Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series for lead Matthew Fox (Jack Shepard), and Outstanding Supporting Actor for both Michael Emerson (Benjamin Linus) and Terry o’Quinn (John Locke).

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Hollywood newcomer Emily Montague is set to do a little necking with Colin Farrell in DreamWork’s upcoming remake of the classic 1985 bloodsucker-comedy Fright Night. The 25-year-old starlet will play victim to Farrell’s lady-killer vamp Jerry Dandridge.

Originally directed by Tom Holland (Child’s Play), Fright Night centers on horror fan Charley Brewster (Anton Yelchin) as he attempts to convince folks that Dandridge, his new neighbor, is a vampire.

The remake, directed by Craig Gillespie (Lars and the Real Girl) and penned by Marti Noxon (“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”), is now set in Las Vegas.

Costars include Imogen Poots as Charley’s girlfriend Amy, Christopher Mintz-Plasse as “Evil” Ed Thompson, Toni Collete as Charley’s mom, David Tennant as vampire-killer/Vegas magician Peter Vincent, and Sandra Vergara (Sophia’s sister) as Vincent’s insanely hot assistant.

Fright Night is currently shooting in New Mexico and is slated for release on Oct. 7, 2011.

The original Fright Night made Clatto’s list of 15 Vampire Movies That Won’t Make You Gay.