Like most of us with penises, Zachary Loring longed to make sweet, sweet love to Sorority Row star Audrina Patridge’s throat. When the 24-year-old actress ignored his poems, love letters, and outside-the-window loitering (What? No Mariachis?), Loring decided perhaps he’d like to strangle Patridge’s throat instead and sent her violent drawings of women being choked.

Patridge immediately filed a restraining order against Loring in September, citing she was “in fear for her physical safety and emotional well-being.”

Yesterday morning, Loring was arrested outside Patridge’s home. He is being held on $160,000 bail on a felony stalking charge.

Guys, if you’re gonna court women out of your league, stick to the tried-and-true methods: mountains of cash and cocaine. Works every time.